12 Aikidoka you will meet online

#1 – The Preacher

Has a topless poster of O’Sensei in their bedroom. Thinks O’Sensei is a god and their sacred duty is to spread his divine teachings. Often speaks in nonsensical quotes taken out of context.  Will occasionally come up with their own Aikido poetry using a random motivational poster generator.

#2 The Lethal Weapon

Thinks Aikido is not in the UFC because it is too lethal and would win too easily. Knows all about the street because they lived in a bad neighbourhood once. Tried to register their hands as lethal weapons. Owns a pair of Tacticool ™ camo pattern Hakama.

#3 – The Archaeologist

Everything was better in the 1920s. Everyone but them has wasted the last 100 years, because Aikido, its warm-ups, its training methods and life in general peaked then. Will die of preventable infection, because antibiotics were invented in the 1940s and are therefore fake.

#4 – The Pacifier

Believes that mastery of Aikido would let them resolve any situation effortlessly and without the slightest risk of injury to either party. Is convinced that people who have to cause anyone the slightest bruise to defend themselves are just not skilled enough. Has never been hit.

#5 – Anger Management

Has a lot of stress in their life, and hence is deeply angry. His commitment to the art of peace prevents him from having a healthy outlet for this, except when people are wrong on the internet about Aikido. Channels all his pent up rage into online rants.

#6 – The Innovator

Read a self-defence blog once, then realised that nobody in the history of Aikido has had the insights they had, and if people only listened to them everything would be so much better. Comes up with “ingenious” new techniques and training methods, most of which are low quality copies of other martial arts. Has a green belt.

#7 – So Fed Up With This shit

Usually older. Did Aikido for a long time, then discovered people talk about it on the web. Signed up to have productive, friendly and mature conversations about their favourite hobby. One week later, started drinking heavily.

#8 – The Aiki-Bro

Responds to criticisms of Aikido and the allegations that Aikidoka are easily offended and immature by challenging people to duels via social media – provided they live on another continent and are unlikely to take him up on it. Challenged Master Ken to a fight once, still isn’t convinced Enter the Dojo is comedy. Says “Osu” a lot, doesn’t know what it means.

#9 – The Critic

Thinks the problem with Aikido is that no one trains correctly any more. When pressed, displays extreme skill at never stating explicitly what “training correctly” means. Often says “you will get it after 20 years”, mostly because that’s how long it too them and if other people did it faster that would be embarrassing.

#10 – The Questioner

Asks questions online that they should be asking their instructor instead, so they don’t have to see the judgment in their eyes. Has “obnoxious question of the day” toilet paper, and apparently irritable bowel syndrome. Started training last month.

#11 – The Cultist

Is convinced Aikido is the greatest martial art on the planet, and will announce so loudly and obnoxiously. Loves lecturing people on how proper Aikido should be practised, and on the true meaning of Aikido’s philosophy. Is already planning their dojo and seminar tour. Started training last week.

#12 -The Tapout Troll

Doesn’t actually do Aikido, but feels it is important to educate Aikido practitioners about how fake their martial arts is and how they can’t fight. Has street cred because they got into a shoving match in a bar once, and “if my friends hadn’t held me back man…”. Gets into flame wars with Aiki-bro.